Merging

I am in the process of merging my forthcoming future, to my soon to be past. Saying good-bye for me has always been a process. How do I sum up my relationships with people in a few sentences, people who have donated their time, and energy to me and only made me better. I feel so privileged to have met the varied people, men and women, children, Vermonters who have colored my world, and challenged my thoughts and beliefs. I am hurriedly trying to enjoy these last few days here in the Green Mountains, taking pictures of people at work, writing letters of importance to those who I cherish and love. So I am in the process of merging.....my future with my soon to be past. "I shall be telling this with a sigh. Somewhere ages and ages hence. Two roads diverged in a wood, and I....I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference." Robert Frost

Two little men, and some leaves

Thank goodness for snapfish! Last evening, I sat down and put in an order to snapfish.....all from the comfort of home, and now in a few days I will have an 8x10 picture of the above. These fall portraits are becoming a little tradition in the Leavell home, one that hopefully will continue, last years portrait is a few posts back. We had a lot of fun taking these pictures, the kids loved the maple leaves. These old, and tall maple trees were some of the last trees to lose their leaves, providing some last minute fun in the fall. Some generous leaf raker, had previously raked a pile of leaves, and so all we had to was jump in. These canopies of maples provide a backdrop for some great picture taking. In the winter, when the snow falls, the large maple trees provide a maze of sled paths for avid sledders. The leaves are mostly fallen now....but thank goodness for digital cameras and snapfish, fall portraits from the comforts of home.

10 years and counting!

Tens years ago yesterday, in 1997, I sat with 2 childhood friends over an awesome dinner at Mountain Jacks (a fancy, smancy restaraunt in Ohio). We drank champagne, and wine, and talked about college (which wasn't so far removed from our memories). We spoke of the current condition of our lives, engagements, weddings and the life ahead. Then each of us went around and shared what we thought our lives would be like in 10 years. Nothing out of the ordinary, our journeys have come full circle, some of us took longer to get to our 10 year prophesy than others. So fast forward 10 years, and the year is 2007......I have reached the age of my parents, or at least the age when I became aware of how old they were, and boy was it old at the time.....35!!! I have reached the age of my parents, that sublime age, 5 years removed from 40, another milestone age of my parents. My mom encourages my heart, by stating that I am still a babe in the world of age. I feel younger than I am, "Of late I appear to have reached that stage when people who look old, who are only my age. " I had a great day, a day of silent contentment, I have been taking life in quietly as of late, trying to savor these moments of family, safety, and peace. I shared a wonderful dinner with my husband, battered shrimp appetizer, a pina colada, scallops, and creme bullee to top the evening off.
I am 35 now, not too sure what that means, probably nothing too dramatic. If I rewind my memory, the year is 1997, and I am seated next to two childhood friends in a fancy, smancy restaraunt called Mountains Jacks....and I am only 25....

Another piece.....

All summer I look in antipication to the Tunbridge Fair, also known as the World's Fair. It is a small scale fair, lasting only 3 days, attracting many of dozens of fair goers on the hunt for an elephant ear, or sausage sandwich with a sweet array of peppers. The carnies line up in their game booths, taunting the passer byers to try their hand at darting a balloon, or shooting an air rifle at the floating rabbit. The sound of park rides in the background mesh with the low mewing of cows, and sheep.
We checked out the different variety of cows, petted some long haired rabbits. Baaahed back at some sheep, watched a man spin some wool. Oinked at the pigs, all of which brought new meaning to the pop up farms books that lie on the bookshelf at home. It was a full, satisfying day of new scents, sights and different sounds which only come around once a year. Next year hopefully I will be looking forward toward the fair in Knox County. Stay tuned for October as we await a visit from grandma, a pumpkin patch wagon ride, and the Great pumpkin!

The whole month........broken in pieces

Only one post for this month of September broken into two pieces......which started off with a birthday. Gabriel turning one! It was fairly low key, cupcakes, pictures, and the opening of a few gifts. Elijah was fully aware that something special was being done for his brother, and we saw specks of that green monster surface every bit and awhile. The peace was kept, and a balance achieve. It turned out to be a great day! The cliche of "where has the time gone", which is on the tongue of most every parent is very real and very true. I keep trying to suck every joy from the minutes that pass with my kids at the current age they are, and yet I can not help but wonder what they will become. I dream sometimes of two beautiful, sandy haired men, named Gabriel and Elijah, serving the Lord somewhere. But the dream is quickly interrupted by the shrill cry of a child, which brings me back to reality. I continue to live in the moment, wondering "where the time has gone", enjoying what I have.

Front porch sitters unite, this is one cause I could believe in and support. It is a growing movement of people who are trying to return to a more traditional way. Turning off the television, moving outdoors to a common area, to get to know the people who lightly grace our lives each day. I had a front porch while growing up in Ohio, though I can not say it was fully utilized. There were moments spent playing cards with the neighborhood friends, Dad and I would sit out there and philosophize. People it seems are busier, more caught up in the dailies of life. We have succumbed to the comfortable boxes hanging outside a window, and Monday night football games, and forgotten about the other world right off the front steps. Transience has replaced permanence. There is little time it seems to become invested in our neighbors lives, though I think if we did reach out a bit, we wouldn't have some of the problems that isolation brings forth. The motto of a front porch sitter is "Sit down for a spell. That can wait." I have a front porch, which until a few weeks ago was partially uninhabitable, but due to some new paint, and front porch furniture it is quite welcoming. Won't you join me in becoming a front porch sitter. Meet me on the front porch, you bring the conversation, and I'll provide the lemonade, and together we can, "Sit down for a spell." Life can wait, because people are more important.

Rich in oils, straw, and the smell of a lamb

I have heard it said that knitting is soothing for the soul, like an invisible balm that penetrates and protects. I first took up this hobby about 3 years ago under the tutelage of a skilled knitter. She would show me these amazing masterpieces of yarn, that she had skillfully crafted. Partly out of envy, and part respect for this form of art, I too picked up a pair of needles, and under her careful guidance made myself a felted purse. Since that first project I have moved onto more complicated matters of yarn, and have become a regular at our local knitting store. I have found solace when knitting, it brings a comfort, however imaginary some may say it is. I know at the end of a skein of yarn or two, that I have made something that will bring joy to myself or someone else in the form of a gift. They say that worrying is like rocking a chair, you find yourself doing something, but you never get anywhere...well I have found I can worry and knit, and in the end I have created something. I think through things while knitting, pray for God to move, plan future projects, and in someways hide in a secret labrynith of yarns. There is an older couple who often find themselves guests at my hospital, most often overnight, and the wife always comes prepared with a thick skein of newly spun yarn. The skein is normally rich in oils, straw, and the smell of a lamb, and amazingly when all is said and done; there on her lap is a newly knitted pair of socks. I have seen her on more than one occassion gently cover her husband's feet with these knitted socks to warm them, and show her love for him. So like an invisible balm that penetrates and protects, I keep on knitting.....and ssshhh come Christmas, I too will have a newly knitted pair of socks to gently place on my husband's feet to warm them, and show my love for him!

Two years ago today.........

I laid my favorite girl to rest, here is a rewrite of that blog entry..........

Tuesday, August 9, 2005 Saying good-bye,"I can look back at my darkest periods and realize that these were the times when the Lord was holding me closest. But I couldn't see his face because my face was in his breast - crying." John Michael Talbot. Today I said good bye to my little honey girl....my first baby, Lily. I can't quite put into words how vacant I feel at this moment, I would never have anticipated the grief that I am feeling. It is strange, that in this moment of sadness, the world doesn't stop to mourn with me, life just keeps clicking by never missing a beat. I placed her on the table, feeling like Abraham must have felt preparing to sacrifice Isaac......and placed my head selfishly in her fur...and cried. I had cried before into her fur, but this time was different, because I was crying for her.....the technician placed that thin needle into her paw, and this thick blue liquid slowly was pushed in. Within 5-10 seconds Lily my friend was gone, her eyes vacant of life, and fun, and happiness. I clung on for some time, hoping that maybe like Lazarus she too would be raised from the dead. Home is different now, no fury face, cold nose pushing you out of the way at the refrigerator. No jingling sound from her collar as she made the ardous trip up the stairs. I have some things to get used to....silence maybe a better word. "Old friends work their way deep inside your heart. They force you to get going on a day you'd rather loll in bed. They remain constantly at your side while allowing you all the privacy in the world. They inconvenience you yet make you more generous and so devoted that you become uprooted and off balance without them. Given time, they weave themselves, magically and inextricably, into your own life story." Good night sweet girl.....my little Lily girl! 9:38 pm edt J.A. Leavell

Swallowed up and spit out

"It is only when we are swallowed up by God, and spit out as a new creation, that we find ourselves changed in the twinkling of an eye" I have been mulling over this post for the past several days, chewing on it in my thought life. In this place in life, I find myself coming back to the crux of what I believe.....to be obedient to my Lord. I believe that all of Christianity can be narrowed down to that one word, "OBEDIENCE". I feel most comfortable when I am obedient, because I feel in right standing, all is well with my soul. I stepped out in obedience the other night at work, praying with a co-worker regarding a very serious eye condition. In the stillness of that moment, I felt God's hand and presence, my words faltered as I felt my eyes welling with tears of pain for her. I know she is wrestling with something much bigger than herself, and I know that I have something she does not. If you are reading this, and are a praying individual, pray for her...her name is Amy. My deceased mentor Oswald Chambers has this to say about obedience. "We must never put our dreams of success as God's purpose for us; His purpose may be exactly the opposite.......What we call the process, God calls the end." "God is not working towards a particular finish; His end is the process - that I see Him walking on the waves, no shore in sight, no success, no goal, just the absolute certainty that it is all right because I see Him walking on the sea. It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God." "We have nothing to do with the afterwards of obedience.....if we realize that obedience is the end, then each moment as it comes is precious." Obedience not only has taken on a reality at work, but in the process of selling our albatross (a beautiful home!). I know it is only through the obedience of being patient that I must live in the moment, in the "process". So whether I am being still and knowing that He is who He says his (while waiting for my house to sell), or ministering to a hurting woman......I know it is through the process where I will become changed in the twinkling of an eye.....

My Three Favorite Words

For most parents it seems like eternity, you patiently wait and wait for the moment when your children "rise and call you blessed". No Elijah didn't suddenly arise and call me blessed, but in those tender moments of roughhousing on the couch.....he did say every so quickly and gently....."I love you"....mommie. Those have become three of my favorite words. I know that his words were said purely, no strings attached, with no hidden agenda or meaning. Kids are spontanous, and Elijah is no exception, he chatters incessantly now, asking the why's, and how's of life. His questions are generally matter of fact, and direct. He waits patiently for answers, however lame they may be. Hopefully the answers we give, lame or not, will offer him some solid footing as he grows. I am reminded of a quote, "We raise our children to leave us". As I continue to listen for my three favorite words, hopefully they will continue to come purely, with no strings attached, as I remember a little boy roughhousing on the couch.

Ruth Bell Graham 1920-2007

This world has lost a treasured soul. Over the past year I have become acquainted with this beautiful woman of God through her written words. Her person has always intriqued me, and so I finally decided to invest some time in reading more about who she was. I found her to be a woman of amazing integrity and strength. Her children have often remarked about witnessing her on her knees, praying, and the lasting impression that left on their lives. Her best friend and love was Jesus. I never had the pleasure of meeting her, but she is someone I would aspire to be more like. I could only hope to someday be half the
woman she was, and to leave such an impression on my children. She lived this life with grace, and left this earth in the same manner. I found this quote by her on her website, which embraces what we should all want death to be.
Time to Adore
"And when I die I hope my soul ascends slowly, so that I may
watch the earth receding out of sight, its vastness growing smaller
as I rise, savoring its recession with delight. Anticipating joy
is itself a joy. And joy unspeakable and full of glory needs more
than "in a twinkling of an eye", and more than "in a moment",
Lord who am I to disagree? It's okay we have much to leave behind;
so much....Before. These moments of transition will, for me, be
time to adore."

John's day................

"Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father!" I would be remiss if I didn't mention my special husband today. He is an amazing man, who daily shows me what genuine creativity, pursuant tolerance, and everlasting patience is all about. He answered the higher caller of raising our two boys. I know he struggles at times questioning his discipline methods, or wondering whether he is doing the right thing. He cherishes all of us, takes care of us, makes sure everything at home is running smoothly. He daily seeks His Lord, striving to be more Christlike in nature. I prayed for this man, long before I knew him. I knew when I met him, that he would make a great father someday. I knew that he would someday bless his children's lives with humor, generosity of time, creativity, and a love for His Saviour. I do love this man, he still captivates me daily with who he is.......Happy Father's day John!................

To pursue and live......

When you pursue and live out your God given potential...3 things should take place
- you will live your life in such a way it demands an explanation
- you will live your life in such a way that it echoes in eternity
- you will live your life in such a way that it marks where is God is moving!
WOW! I keep this 3 things on my frig, to daily remind me of my role here....and to remind me of the shortcomings I still have. I would like to think/believe that I am headed in the right direction.
A new thought.....actually one that I have been thinking about lately on my short drives to work......are there ever periods in life, meaning periods of time, days, weeks, months.... where there is no meaning derived from that time, where the purpose if any is missing. As I have been thinking back over the past 10 years of my life....I can think of two periods of which I am not sure what I should/could have gained from those experiences, what should I have learned about myself, or knowing what God's role was. The first period was in 1997, while involved in Young Life (a parachurch organization). The spring of that year was significant in the fact that I faced a fairly serious depression, and as I look back in recollection, I have been unable to trace His Hand...I know He was there...He always is. The second major time was the summer of 2001, John and were working up on the shores of Lake Sammammish in Washington....to this day we can not figure why God directed us up there! I do know that when you pursue and live out your God given potential....3 things happen......but the one that seems most significant is that when you live out your God given potential it will echooooooe into eternity. Sobering, knowing that someday when I am on the other side, I will find out whose life I impacted for His kingdom...too much pride would exist if we were to find out sooner.....so I will just wait.....pursue and live.

My Girls are leaving..........

it is sad but true....the Gilmore girls have said adu. They are headed off to the land of syndication. John and I were first introduced to the "Girls" in the spring of 2006. After putting Elijah to bed, we would race downstairs to go into another reality for a small amount of time, a reality called Stars Hollow...a mystical place, where people are random, friendly, and the twinkling lights downtown make you want to crawl into the television. We buzzed through seasons 1-5, and then the summer came...and gasp! we had to wait until season 6 was released in the fall to catch up on the lives of our new found friends. By the fall of 2006, we had two babies we were putting down early, so we could race downstairs to go into another reality.....so goodbye, Lorelia, Rory, Kirk, Lane, Luke...and all the many characters who made life in Stars Hollow so interesting.

Is it Mother's Day........

It is surreal at times to think that I too am a mother. As I look at my 2 little men, and I really think about it......I CAN NOT BELIEVE!!!, that I didn't have these boys in my life any sooner, I can't really recall what my life was like before my children came. I remember as John and I headed to the hospital that cold January night, I remarked, how from this day forward our lives would no longer be our own, but that it would forever be changed. It sure has changed....some anticipated, some surprises...but all good!.............Happy Mother's Day to all the many women, mother's or not, who have helped define or been a part of someone else's life where a positive change has occurred. I can not help but think of my Aunt Joy, when I think of someone who has impacted my life for the better......she had a part in introducing me to the groom of life, Jesus Christ. She has helped me to find my indentity in Christ, and establish who I am as a woman of God.......Is it really Mother's Day!....yes, tis so...................

Jesus is my King

I first heard this read by Tony Evans, when he came to speak at Cedarville. The words left a great impression on me. I hope they will affect you in some way as well......listen..........

Mr. Petscher once said.....

be nice to each other, you will need each other, and someday your relationship might be all you will have. This black and white picture of Heather and I, was taken when our trips home coincided. I rarely see her now, but treasure the time when we are together. We are adult women now, and have come full circle in our relationship with each other, calling and checking in at least weekly. We talk recipes, and relationships. She offers advice when I need it, and knows when I just need someone to listen. We are different in our styles, musical tastes, and future aspirations, but from those differences we gain new insight or perspective on something that can only make us better. I feel fortunate to share the same family birthright and heritage with Heather, and to know that I will always have her in my life. God has honored my prayers for her. She is all grown up now, married to a fellow who I prayed for, and God in His goodness delivered. And so.....as Mr. Petscher once said...be nice to each other, you will need each other, and someday your relationship might be all you will have.........

A List of Things!

In my reading last evening...I was reminded of the verse, "These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. " Deut 6:6-9.......I was convicted through this particular book by a list of 7 questions or first truths.
1. who am I as a person?
2. how did I get here?
3. is there a right or wrong way to believe and act?
4. is there a God, and if so, what does He expect of me?
5. how do I achieve eternal life, if it exists?
6. will I someday be held accountable for the way I have lived on earth?
7. what is the meaning of life and death?
The enormity of raising children to know and fear God is a daunting task....."the meaning in life comes only by answering the eternal questions listed above, and they are adequately addressed only in the Christian faith." I pray daily for Elijah and Gabriel, that John and I will be able to model what we believe, feel convicted when conviction is necessary, and will stay true to the Word of God as it applies to our lives, and living daily for Him. I pray that someday these little boys will be able to give an answer for the hope that is inside them.........

A favorite quote!

From time to time.....I will post a quote that caught my eye, or has challenged me in some way.
"When you were born, you cried, and the world rejoiced. May you live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice." An Indian saying

Free to a good home

"Free to a good home", is what I say to most people who inquire about our dogs, Greta and Chubbie. Greta is what we would imagine our border collie, Cherokee may have been like in his younger years, and hopefully she will mellow into what we knew him as. She is a dog on the move, always wanting to know what's going on. She still has a lot of pup in her, judging from the obvious signs of always wanting to play, and play. Chubbie on the other hand is reserved, and laid back. Our leather chair, now shows the signs of permanent ownership by him. He is a food conisseour, always on the stake for a tasty morsel, or treat. The two of them, make a rag tag twosome. It is always my luck, that when John leaves the house or even a room......they begin to wrestle, tails thrashing, mouths a moving, flopping every which way, and I stand back in moments of sometimes frustration, laughter, or dismay, not knowing what to do, other than to let them play. I never thought we would find replacements for Lily and Cherokee, actually we didn't find replacements...we found new friends, or....perhaps they found us!